Here I sit having mastered the routine. The washing machine is humming, the TV is on but I’m not watching and the babies are napping. I have already eaten lunch and it’s only 11:30am, the dishes have been washed, the ironing done and there’s not much else to do but to reflect on the madness of the morning.
My bonkers toddler and 7 month old who’s suddenly found her screeching voice has something to do with this madness. I am incredibly proud of them, but boy do they demand. I haven’t actually sat down since I woke up which was at 6.00am and don’t get me started with eating….Well since I have…..Reeyan is curious about all food at the moment. Whatever I am eating, he demands a taste, so I’d hesitate to eat that spicy noodle dish left from the night before with the fear that he might throw his tantrum when it starts to burn his mouth! Its crazy mornings like these which make me wonder about my ‘position in life’, being a mother but above all my future career. Yes, yes, yes…I live for the day, but something has been bugging me lately and it very much affects my children and I.
I fell pregnant with Reeyan slap bang in the middle of my PhD and I was over the moon. I planned to go back in September 2015 – but that didn’t quite work out due to the arrival of my beautiful fairy – Leela. So now, 7 months on, I am coming to terms with letting a small dream called ‘PhD’ go. After all, I was given a major, what I call ‘career ego boost’ as I was accepted on to the doctoral researcher programme the very same year I graduated from the BSc. It leaves a bittersweet taste in my mouth. I know I’ve chosen to have babies, but the reality that a mother makes many sacrifices cannot be more true in my situation. I find myself being quite envious of Roy’s career. I mean, nothing can beat these amazing moments that I have with the children and I’m sure Roy is as envious of me. But as you watch them grow, you can’t help but want to give them the world and well, that doesn’t come cheap.
Thankfully, we happen to live near a very good school and even better, they will be accepting Reeyan into their nursery on his third birthday. Reeyan will be at nursery for two years before going into reception, which means Leela will join him in the second year. This has really hit home. Last year, I was contemplating nappies, feeds and routines – now my babies are growing up and I’m ogling Ofsted reports and details of nursery school admissions – tomorrow high school?
I have even found the nearest tennis training club and Roy has already put their names down for little kickers. I think we’re doing our best to give them our all ensuring they have as much opportunity as possible. I should just make sure that I keep grounded and not turn into one of those mega pushy mothers (which I can see happening). I believe to avoid becoming so overly indulgent (or in my case – obsessive) with your child’s extra-curricular activities, you need to have a separate point of focus. Mine, I believe is a job. I never pictured myself as a full time mum, but as time is passing, that is very much in my job description. I can’t seem to fathom commuting into London again for a 9-5 but I can certainly see the benefits.
So I take the opportunity whilst the babies nap to search for jobs on the Internet. I’m breaking the searches down to part time, but then how exactly will I part my time? I’m sure the universe has something in store for me……it’s just about finding what, when and how! Wish me luck!