Christmas has come and gone and now we’re in 2017. It is always at the start of the year that one reflects on the whirlwind that has become life. Time passes so damn fast. One year you’re announcing pregnancy and another you’re negotiating eating terms with a two year old, whilst the one year old happily chomps on bits off the floor. There is so much to be thankful for, yet no one tells you that it is ok to sometimes feel crappy and be totally ungrateful, for it is these moments which truly test your being. That’s the trouble about me. Even when everything is perfect, I have a negative voice that haunts me. Things are often never good enough. I can be both grateful yet have a streak of expectation, which of course tends to lead to utter disappointment.
The trouble about me is being a mother. No one told me how hard it would be. I have the most supportive people around yet, that still isn’t good enough. I want more. I want to be the perfect mother, with my house all in order, the ironing done and clean hair! I want to spend all hours of the day playing tickle monster with the children, taking them on bus rides, play groups and swimming. I want to cook the healthiest yet tastiest of foods for them and cuddle them whilst they eat. I would do anything for some extra hours in the day, to tell them I love them more than anything in this world, to smell their hair, to give them bubble baths, to read to them and cuddle them some more.
The trouble about me is being a wife. My children have taken over my world. I live and breathe for them, yet before them, I would say that about my one and only love – Roy. I rely on him so much but I have taken him for granted. He works 12 hour days and often comes home to do the dishes. He doesn’t moan about waking up at 5.30 in the morning to drive the kids to their granny’s on a freezing winters day. He doesn’t utter a word about how much the shopping bill comes to every week. I have not been able to cook him his favourite dinners for a while or be humoured as I once used to be. I’m a lot more serious now, perhaps that is age. I want to take his outlook on life, which is to relax, be a little more open to change and take everything in my stride. I want to tell him that I will always appreciate him and that I love him with all my heart.
The trouble about me is my mind and body. I will forever be my own enemy. I am a perfectionist who cannot reach perfection. I long for the past and the future. I strive for good health and a strong mind whilst eating gluttonous foods and succumbing to minor stressors. I have always been very conscious of myself, more so, now I write about it. I want to embrace everything around me and live in the moment. I will forever be conscious of my body and thoughts for it is what makes me who I am. I accept the positive and the negative, because if it weren’t for negative thoughts and actions, there would be no change.
The trouble about me…..I find trouble when there is no trouble.
Happy New Year
A few snaps of our Christmas holidays 2016