Nothing can set you up for the journey of planning a baby or even bringing that life into the world. I was once a headstrong, analytical, heavily led by science type of individual, but after experiencing the nature of falling pregnant and being pregnant, I realised that these were in fact the most miraculous moments of my life.
Roy and I were married for 6 years before even having the thought of becoming parents. Finally, all partied and travelled out, we thought 2013 would be the year of the baby. Little did we know, it wasn’t going to be that easy. Perhaps discussing this in a blog is not a done thing, but I’m going to try and bypass this terrible taboo and face my demons.
Welcoming Roy back from his three-month work trip in Germany and the holiday to Spain with our friends was the highlight of my year. We came back feeling refreshed (thankfully with our liver in tact) and ready to face work again. Having completed the Insanity course by Beachbody, I was at the peak of my fitness. It was my favourite season – summer and London was hot, hot, hot. I recall feeling hotter and more flushed than usual. A lot of my memory of taking that initial pregnancy test has been pushed to the back crevices of my mind. That also goes for trying to remember Roy’s reaction. One thing was for sure…. we were over the moon.
We were only around 6 weeks pregnant and we made the epic fail of telling our close family and friends. A picnic in Primrose Hill Park in London on a toasty Sunday afternoon was where we announced the news. We have always been positive thinkers, continuously focussing on the best-case scenario. We did not envisage loss. I started spotting on the Tuesday of that week so I called my dad (my go to person for when anything is not right) and he advised me to go straight to A&E. Medical staff knew exactly what was happening and suggested a ‘wait and see’ approach – my worst kind of approach. Pregnancy tests started to tell me that I wasn’t pregnant. I was in fact miscarrying.
I needed to get away. Roy, my knight in shining armour whisked me to the coast the next day. We checked into the hotel where we spent our first night. Nothing prepared me for the pain, it was excruciating and I had no choice but to go to hospital as my blood pressure took a big dip. We should’ve stayed home. I felt pain everywhere, even my thoughts were unbearable, I kept thinking about disappointing Roy and letting him down. Having gone through the agony of it all, the pain was relived every time we updated those we told. Returning to work was hard, the week previous to the miscarriage, I felt the buzz of pregnancy. I was so happy. What struck me was the sudden turn around of events and the drastic change in mood. I grieved the loss but more so the feeling of not being pregnant.
It’s a pity to say but it took an event like this to change me for the better. I instantly grew up. I realised that I do not have full control of anything and that there are consequences – good or bad. I also knew that I wanted a baby more than anything. My body was in disarray…the following month I had a ‘chemical pregnancy’, in other words my hormones were messing around with me. Pregnancy tests would tell me that I was pregnant only to find out that I wasn’t a week later. Urgh, the confusion. I needed to do what I did best and search for answers.
I researched a little and discovered an amazing company called ‘Foresight’ (link below). Foresight is a small charity run business, which provide preconception support in the form of nutritional therapy. From the moment I called them, I felt supported and comforted even with a few words of sympathy. During the few weeks of communication, they asked Roy and I to complete several questionnaires regarding our health and to provide a hair sample. They analysed the samples and it turned out that we were both considerably deficient in a number of nutrients, one being selenium. We detoxed and we regained our fitness regime, with a clear baby goal in mind.
Christmas 2013, we decided to completely let our hair down and we lived it up. We attended, probably every Christmas party we were invited to and didn’t think twice about the amount of alcohol or mince pies we consumed. It was a brilliant Christmas, all our woes of the year were fading and we could clearly see a brighter year ahead.
I hesitated a lot when the pregnancy test showed up positive. I was scared, the feelings of loss all came rushing back. It was the 3rd of January 2014, a day later for ‘Les Deux’ celebrations (Mauritians like to party on new years eve, go to the temple on new years day and then party again on the 2nd!) Nevertheless we took it all in our stride and enjoyed the evening at my parents. Despite all the supplementing of vitamins and minerals, the fitness, relaxation during Christmas, if you ask me there was some divine intervention and 2014 was the year of the baby.
The unspoken truth of miscarriage should be vented. We are all far too worried about disappointment, whether it’s with others or ourselves. It was only until I went through it that I understood that 1 in 4 women will suffer a miscarriage at some point in their life. That statistic is huge! I assumed that this would simply be the next step in life a) plan baby b) have baby. No one sets you up for experiencing loss of any kind, but one thing is for sure – women need support. I have taken a big step by talking about it but I’m quite a bold individual with a ‘don’t give a crap what you think of me’ attitude. However there are some women who will carry this burden with them throughout their lives. Rest assured if that’s you, take solace in the fact that you are not alone, devastating as it may be, you are amongst the 1 in 4 where life continues.